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Remembering my strength… [9/16/02 1:49 PM]

It’s amazing how quickly we can slip into apathy… How easy it is to forget why we do what we do.  Last night I spent a good hour or two in thought and prayer talking to God about my life.  I’ve realized that over the past two weeks alone, despite doing devotions and keeping in contact with God, I’ve forgotten how REAL God is.  I’ve been so thankful, so happy, and so content with the blessings He has bestowed on me, but I’ve lost the connection that I once had… that I’ve seldom had… The feeling that God is RIGHT THERE… and all I need to do is turn around and face Him.  That when I am so weak… He is my strength.

There is an overwhelming desire that I love to have.  “My heart and flesh CRY OUT… For You the LIVING GOD.  Your spirit is water to my soul.  I’ve tasted and I’ve seen, come once again to me… I will draw near to You… I WILL draw near to You.”  The passion that keeps me moving, the very breath in my lungs… lays in these lyrics.  The reason that I attend school… The reason that I work for CedarCreek… The reason that I am dating Sarah… The reason that I AM who I AM… is because I am taking the steps that I need to take so that I can be the most effective Christian I can be for the benefit of God’s kingdom.

It never used to be this way… But God has shown Himself to me in so many areas of my life, that unless I devote my very being to this reasoning… I have no justification for existing.

What kills me, is that I see people every day, that DON’T have this relationship with God that I do… They HAVE NO CLUE what they are missing.  They have to fight this world alone, head-on, with no assurance from anyone but themselves.  How scary that must be…  I’m an extremely independent person and I don’t use religion as a crutch, as some accuse Christians of doing, but to think that we can make it on our own in this life is just foolish.  The pain that I feel for those I see who are outside of this relationship KILLS me… I HATE IT!  I never used to be this way either, but I asked God to show me His view… I asked for His eyes for the lost… the seeking… and when I get those glimpses of what God feels for them… the love and desire He has to know them, but they’re deaf to His calling… When THAT pain hits me, it knocks me to the floor in mourning and there is no doubt in my mind that I STILL don’t fully understand the grief as God feels it.

How the very things You’ve created have turned their backs and ran from You God…   I’ll never understand.  But You gave us free-will to decide to love You or not.  For You did not want an army of robots worshipping You, rather open-hearts of loving and grateful souls pouring out their praises to You.  “…at his tabernacle I will offer sacrifices with SHOUTS of JOY…” (Psalm 27:6)  Yeah… I know this feeling.  I want to LIVE this feeling every moment of my life Lord… THIS is my strength… THIS…. THIS is life!
Mood: … reconnected… i think that’s a mood… lol
Music: You Are My Portion – Darrell Evans