→

jeeze… I just feel led to not talk about anything on here cuz I’m so busy with school crap, work crap, RA crap, and …. ummm…. crap.  But alas, I feel dumb not updating forever, and I KNOW that you ALL LOVE hearing about my life…. ::questioning look on face::  … …. right.  SO… on with it.

OK, well I stayed up till 4:30am on wednesday workin on a (it ended up being) 9 page technology assessment thang… noted below… that was due online at 12:00am…. ok I know it was late, but honestly, I don’t think they’ll mind the 4 hour differential…. and if they do, ah well, I tried.  Then I got up for work thursday and went in to finish installing the copiers across our 20 some computers so they work as network printers…

My heart was about ripped out that day… I was about to leave when Mark Bernard (my boss) called me in to his office and asked if I had a minute.  I realized that I didn’t…. but said yeah… and we then talked about my future with CedarCreek.  Apparently the looks of me going full-time this summer are pretty much zilch and I have to go to school full-time and work part-time next year again…. not a problem yet, I can take out more loans… go more in debt… we’re still ok…  Then Mark tells me that CedarCreek may NEVER have a need for me to be full-time in multimedia.  ….   ….. Have you ever had a career mapped out in your head for 3 years that seemed so solid…. then had it crushed with one sentence?  Yeah.

A lot went through my head in a very very short amount of time.  I recalled back in 1999 when I decided that I wanted to go into full-time ministry as a career… I decided that my life was not going to be about making money… (and I know I could make a kililng if I wanted to) But that instead I would devote my skills to God and serve the church.

I recalled first going part-time on staff at CedarCreek after volunteering for nearly 5 years…  Yeah, I was on my way.

I recalled the fact that I was in a degree program which I never intended to use since I have always figured I’d stay at CedarCreek and just be brought on full-time staff!  I’ve spent years of co-op experience at CedarCreek… when I may have very well needed to be getting “real world” experience outside of the church so that I have something for a resume!!!  I’ve always thought of my degree as something to fall back on…. when now the possibility has arisen that it may be all that can hold me up to begin with….

A little unexpected…. the boat is rocking…. I’m holding on.  Mark then told me that he’s not sure of the future… but they don’t see CedarCreek hiring another full-time media guy (me) since we already have Kyle full time and me part time…. OK… realize that if I DON’T go full time… you’re going to lose me altogether as I have to make something of myself and support a family!  I can’t live on part-time salary!  Realize that Kyle knows SQUAT about our technical setup…. Kraig Mackett just quit…. I’m the ONLY TECH NERD LEFT!  I KNOW that they can’t afford to lose me…. If I go… man… I just don’t understand it.  The really sad part is… NO ONE but Kraig understood the volume or scope of work that I do there.  The ONLY way the staff will realize how vital I am to the background operations of the church… is if I slack off and don’t work…. and THAT’S not right either!  I shouldn’t HAVE to do that, and I won’t!

Mark then said that there could possibly be an area of full-time for me eventually… maybe leaning more towards the Computer Network and Repair stuff…. (that’s what I really want anyway…) But he quickly stated the future of that being unknown and not for quite some time….

God, I want so bad to devote my time and talent in this area… to sacrifice the wealth of corporate life… to work in the church…. so WHY is it so hard?  I don’t get it.  I just don’t get it.  It’s so frustrating, but I know God will work it out eventually… I’ll make it somewhere…. ::sigh::  So, dreams cracked but still holding together with string and tape…. I stand content for now.

“Be joyful always…. give thanks in all circumstances…”  Yeah…. is this my circumstance?  I guess so…. We did an interview with Jyl Dushane a few weeks back… she is in remission from a bout of cancer.  She talked about this verse and how God wants us to be joyful… not happy… not getting by… but joyful.  Joy comes from the heart.

After realizing this… I took some time to think about how joyful I really am for God giving me the chance to work at CedarCreek.  I’ve grown so much there as a person, a christian, and an employee… let alone learned a LOT about myself.  I am so thankful for what I have.  I don’t deserve the life I live.  I’ve got an awesome job…. even if it is temporary or up in the air…. it’s here now… and the future is God’s concern…. I’ve got an amazing woman who loves me very much… and whom I can’t get enough of….. I’m getting a college education… I’ve got friends… the talents God has given me are SO COOL….  And most importantly, I’ve got a relationship with the very creator of this universe…. a one-on-one relationship.  He loves me despite my whining, failing, and stupid decisions.  I don’t deserve any of them…. Not one.

Funny how it all works out in the end…. 

Mood:  Destressing… tired… but content… and joyful
Music:  Oval Opus – Bourbon Street

Oval Opus – Bourbon Street

Sitting on a side street, as glancing eyes turn away.
Searching for answers in a song, and the cats that run away.
Hey Mr. Businessman, won’t you go on home to you deluxe accomodations.
Cause tonight the sky’s my ceiling and I think I see some light behind the moon.

Yeah, things get tough on Bourbon Street
And the days they go by slow
I’ll find peace within myself
Cause oh I know it lies between my heart and soul.

The tower has the clock, but the hour is mine so I think I’ll make the best of it.
The rest I must have forgotten, but the feeling is there so I guess I cared just a little bit.
The dog days have begun, and I guess what’s why the cats they run to the country.
So I’ll just sing my song and thank the Lord for what he’s given me.

Yeah, things get tough on Bourbon Street
And the days they go by slow
I’ll find peace within myself
Cause oh I know it lies between my heart and soul.

All the years have taught me that to learn is not so easy.
It’s the pain that we endure through tribulations.
The night is just a window of a day that holds tomorrow.
But now it’s just a haze.

Sitting on a side street, as glancing eyes turn away.
Searching for answers in a song and the cats that run away.

Yeah, things get tough on Bourbon Street
And the days they go by slow
I’ll find peace within myself
Cause oh I know it lies between my heart and soul.