Do you care if I don’t know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight? Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend it’s all ok,
That there’s someone out there who feels just like me…
There is…
-Boxcar Racer
So anyway… that song’s in my head. Other than that, I’ve decided to share with you all a random amount of babble… all who still care, read on. The rest of you can ignore this…
Who has heard the song from Good Charlotte called “Emotionless”??? For those of you that haven’t allow me to share some lyrics. OK… now that you have that. Understand this is my life. This song was shared with me by my friend of 12 years… When I first heard it and read the lyrics… I thought, “yeah… that’s cool…” But every time I hear it since then, it hits home a little more and more…
For those of you that don’t know… (probably the majority of you) my family situation growing up wasn’t the greatest… My dad was an alcoholic… My parents got divorced when I was 12… I never knew my dad. I knew he financially provided for us… he did that well. But he worked from 3pm-4am and slept all day… I was in school in the mornings and when I got home he was leaving… I don’t know where he turned though. From what I understand, he was such a good father when my older sister was born… and I can remember when I was real young that he was the guy I looked up to… just as every boy’s dad is… But somewhere in there he started distancing himself from us… he’d sit on the couch watching TV and would completely ignore us… we’d ask questions and he’d just act like we never spoke… He never was there to talk to us… We feared him. We were afraid of his yelling. Life is a lot different when you’re a kid looking up at the father figure… I remember I used to think he was a “hero in my eyes” as the song says… but as I got older… as he fell apart more… as he became increasingly violent… as I saw him being arrested… as I heard him yell… as I watched him physically attack my mother… as I cleaned up the blood… … … I realized that I never want to beome like him. I hated him.
He was the symbol of all that I despised in my youth, and I wanted nothing more than to avenge my sisters… my mother… I wanted to show him that he couldn’t threaten us anymore… but I was only 12. I was small… weak…. scared. So I waited… I let bitterness grow.
Eventually I was older… I remember when I was 17 (and much more grown!) and my sisters, my girlfriend, my dad and his girlfriend, and I went to dinner…. I remember I sat across the table from him… and I told him, “Dad… I remember you being a lot bigger…” Everyone kind of chuckled… and I just stared at him. He knew what I was saying. He knew that I wasn’t afraid anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I went through a good 6 year period where I had to get over all my dad had done in my childhood. I have completely forgiven him for all his actions… I really wish that he can find Christ and that God will bless his life as he has mine… But forgiveness never means ignoring the seriousness of the offenses, or the consequences of the actions.
I don’t know now how to act around my dad. I see him once every 6 months or so… at family parties or some event like that. He still acts kind of odd and doesn’t show up to everything that you think he would (his parents’ birthdays, father’s day, thanksgiving…) but when he does show up I can tell he’s hurting now. He seems like he wants to build back a relationship with me and my sisters… he asks us to stop over at his house… he offers to take us to dinner every now and then… but I swear that I won’t allow him the pleasure of a half-hearted relationship. Even this year he forgot all 3 of our birthdays… I refuse to let him take us to dinner and get his “kick” of parenting for 4 hours some night. Forget that.
“It’s been a long hard road without you by my side…
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mother’s heart, you broke your children for life…
It’s not ok, but we’re alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,
But those are just a long lost memory of mine…
Now I’m writing just to let you know I’m still alive…
I’m still alive.”
I will never be this to my children… to my wife… I will cherish them as the treasure of my life. I will spend every day devoted to falling more in love with my wife… to showing my children that they are so special to me. I will sacrifice my very life in any way possible so they will be spared from the slightest BIT of pain… “the scars run deep in this tatooed body… there’s things I’ll take to my grave… but I’m ok… I’m ok.” I don’t want to be the source of those scars on the people closest to me. GOD don’t let me ever do that. Take my life before you let me hurt like that…
So what spurred all this on was the fact that last saturday I was at my sister’s birthday party and my dad was there… It was the first time Sarah got to meet him. When I left I shook his hand and he just squeezed it and didn’t let go. I wouldn’t look at him… When I was leaving I looked around the room and waved bye… My dad just was staring at me… He looked hurt… But I don’t know… I’ve never seen him hurt. He’s always been the one doing the hurting… I stared back at him and said “bye”… Who knows when I’ll see him again… But as I left his line of sight and headed for the door, he already jumped into another conversation with people and didn’t seem phased for a second… I’ll never understand him. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to…
Mood: It’s hard to be happy talking about that! 
Music: Good Charlotte – Emotionless (duh!)
6 Comments
Aww…it doesn’t say “take off your pants and stay awhile” anymore…I found that to be quite comical!
quite the log, quite the thoughts and memories to dwell on.. I will be downloading that song.. not that I NEED to download another song… but i want to
It amazes me how God brings us through so much.. so much.. well… talk to ya later brent-irent-itent… sorry im being a dork.. i’ll stop… 
~natz
Wow! … I’m not entirely sure what to say – among the first time that’s ever happened…
Is your dad going through any counseling at all? If not, maybe you could connect him with a Christian counselor that could not only help him with whatever is going through his head, but might also help him find peace through Christ. I can’t say that I can imagine how it would be to not want to see my own dad, but I know the feeling in terms of not wanting to see/talk to/be anywhere close to someone…
I guess the only good news is that at least now he seems to be making SOME effort… Keep focused on the positive changes – it’s progress…
I don’t know… I’m not entirely upset about it… like I said, I never really knew him.. and as far as couseling goes, he really thinks he is “above” everyone else… so he doesn’t want help… never has. He is right and we’re all wrong… bah… stupid pride…
Anyway… yeah… It’s fun bringing this up and watching people’s reactions cuz this is only the tip-o-the-iceburg… When people inquire of my dad I usually say, “So… got 3-4 hours and I’ll tell ya…” Like I said, I’ve worked through a LOT… and God has been faithful and provided everything I’ve ever needed. But alas… that is my story. 
-Brent
Understandable. Usually things like this are much more involved than first glance would suggest. In fact, I know this from my own experience…
It’s tough, but someone told me today to consider this: Jesus spent nearly three years in close contact with Judas Iscariot, the one who would betray Him. Yet Christ knew that all along. So we can find comfort in the fact that He has gone through the very same difficulty we go through in our lives. Stay strong and depend on Him!
Brent, I just wanted to tell you that the way you have dealt with this is admirable. A friend of mine lost his mom altogether to cancer when he was an adolescent and he decided to hate God as an outlet for his frustration. He hasn’t stopped yet, and it is the saddest thing I have ever seen sometimes. As for me, my mom is manic depressive and the treatments she has received for her illness have been among the most harsh available. They have changed her as a person and I often find it hard to love her when she is so self centered and inattentive. This fact, coupled with the way our relationship was permanently damaged from my witnessing her “episodes” throughout my childhood, has left us estranged from one another emotionally. I feel bad a lot because I can’t seem to love her.
I tell you this only to demonstrate that the way you deal with your dad’s abandonment of you is praise-worthy, especially insofar as you look to God instead of turning your anger on undeserving targets. If I may be so audacious as to give advice to a stranger… offer yourself to him as far as you can. I know I often get burned this way with my mom, but it seems like family is my stumbling block in this world and I will be a better person if I try my best to attain relationships in this realm that could easily be discarded. Also, maybe you can teach him by example. (This sometimes work with my husband). Literally treat him like you wish he would treat you. If you remember his birthday without prompting, how could he dare to forget yours? Just something to ponder. Please don’t consider me awfully presumptuous for offering these suggestions.