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Sometimes Being Openly Insecure Is The Only Security We Have…

I feel weak. I feel weak spiritually, weak mentally, and sometimes even weak physically. No, I’m not sick. The weak physically part is good actually… I was able to get on the ice and play for an hour and a half Monday… on top of that I’ve been exercising every day trying to lose some weight…. it isn’t working. I haven’t lost a pound. But my muscles are taking shape again, which is nice… and muscle weighs more than fat…. so maybe I have and it’s just been a wash.

Mentally I’m just wiped. I think that’s becuase of my weak spiritual life lately. I have left work in a daze the last week feeling …. not overwhelmed… but just … apathetic I guess…. which is pretty bad when you work in the ministry. I’ve got one of the most important jobs on this planet and I have had a hard time seeing it as such lately. I know a lot of people look up to me as a “pillar” of sorts…. I make decisions… I give assignments… I am a voice of reason… but lately I just have been on cruise control for too long. I’ve got 63 hours of vacation time left this year…. maybe I’ll take a few days and try and relax…. recreate.

Spiritually my devotional life has sucked. Seriously… I’m pathetic. My biggest weakness must be discipline becuase I am such a dork when it comes do devotions… I’ve struggled for YEARS to set a regular devotional life schedule… I’ve now set rules in place that I can’t play runescape or do other things until I’ve done my devotions…. If I’m lucky I’ll get 3 days a week in…. It’s like I’m freaking 5 when it comes to attention span…. and THAT’S why I feel so drained. I can’t focus on life because I’m missing focus on what’s really important!

It’s amazing how easy it is. We can so quickly pass by our thoughts of “Oh… I should spend time with God today.” And pass it off as a prayer in the car… or a few minutes talking to God as you eat breakfast or lunch. But that’s not going to suffice. I mean come on… If we have a personal relationship with God… the creator and savior of our universe…. Can we really pass it off as, “Hey God….sup?… Sorry bout my sin and all… thanks for your Son… uhh… I gotta go…. I’m at work now.” If I had that kind of relationship with my wife for the past six months I’d be getting served divorce papers right now! A relationship takes WORK! It’s not easy… in fact it’s ironic that we can dread spending our time in devotions, becuase once we do, we realize what we’ve been missing and it can knock us to our knees in sorrow and repentance of our pride and “lack of time.”

So anywho…. life’s been crazy. Our home group had a white elephant gift exchange on Monday…. I almost made it out with a Gold Plated Record of Jars Of Clay’s album “Much Afraid” for having sold 500,000 copies…. Josh White stole it as the last gift and I ended up with a HotWheels Kyle Petty model car kit, a baseball, and two packs of sparklers. … … … nuts. But I can’t blame Josh, I’d have stolen it from him in a heartbeat without thinking a second thought.

Don Dotson (one of my volunteers at work) gave me an Eastern NHL All-Star Jersey that he won in some contest…. it’s a throwback jersey to the old style with the pull strings in front. It’s freaking sweet. He said that neither him nor his sons like hockey so he was wondering what to do with it…. …. …. Uhhh…. …. …. me?

Christmas shopping is just about done for us. So that’s nice. I got new shoes too. A pair of boots and a pair of slip-on type shoes for 50 bucks. Gotta love 70% off sales. I gave my old stinky, ripped up, wet from snow, nasty, dirty shoes to Ed Bellner as a white elephant gift on Monday…. … so… rock.

Aight, I gotta go spend time with God, exercise, get a shower, and get to work. Now I’m late thanks to the force that is known as XANGA!