I had a really rough night on duty Friday night… so it’s 4am Saturday morning and I’m about to go sleep… But before I retire for the night… hopefully… I want to share a few tidbits of info I’ve picked up over the last semester. Enjoy! 
It takes a special kind of stupid to be some of the residents we have here in Offenhauer…. So let me enlighten you few… you proud…. you morons of the towers… This list of eleven tips may help you next time you are involved in an incident you’d rather not be in…
1) The walls AND the doors are NOT soundproof! We can hear your every whisper and shuffling of bottles being hidden as we wait for you to open the door we just knocked on due to your loud yelling, loud music, and/or funky smell coming from your room.
2) The sneaking of people in the side doors after the check-in desk is open works sometimes, but when it doesn’t and we catch you… realize that we are NOT being jerks, pricks, or any form of the explitive array of words you can come up with. WE are protecting the building and it’s other 900 residents from your drunk butt friends vandalizing the halls and waking up the residents who actually DO go to classes here.
3) Running from an RA is not always a good idea. We can run too. In fact, most of the time we don’t have to run, rather we just call the desk and have them stop you on the way out or we know where you are going anyway and meet you there later. So not IF, but WHEN we catch you… we’re only angry for having to chase you and now our sense of mercy and any niceness that we could have used just flew out the window from your idiotic attepmt to escape your own responsibilities.
4) If you absolutely MUST be dumb enough to drink, be loud, and cause a disturbance… and we confront you. DO NOT attempt to bribe us to leave. This is our job. We get paid to tell the truth… Bribery is a felony and it isn’t worth attempting. No… I do not want money from you… No… I cannot have you clean my room… No…. I do not want a cold one…
5) Not opening your door when asked to is just about the stupidest thing you can do. If we have reason to believe you are drinking underage or commiting any other crime, and you don’t answer the door after we JUST heard you behind it, we WILL gain access to that room. Both RAs have master keys. The Hall Director has a master key. All police officers have master keys (and mace and guns for that matter)… which one should we use? So when the cops are knocking… don’t pretend you aren’t home… cuz then they just get angry…. and angry cops…. arrest people.
6) NO, I cannot pretend I didn’t see that…. you stupid ignorant moron. If you don’t want me dealing with your stupidity, don’t show me it when you know I’m standing right there….
7) If asked what a substance is in a clear cup… and it’s yellow…. DO NOT reply…. “It’s milk.”
8) Don’t carry a case of beer through the lobby and then act shocked when we ask for ID.
9) Don’t play dumb. When I watch you carry a green tub into a room, watch the door close, hear 5 guys discuss the brands of beer you just bought, and knock on the door… don’t act like you aren’t sure what I’m talking about. And when I ask you if that green tub… the only one in the room… is the one you just carried in… don’t respond, “I don’t remember.”
10) If you leave your trash in the recycling room or in a lounge…. make sure you remove all info that points back to you. I’d much rather open the bag and look for a paper with your name on it than take all your trash to the dumpster… … So yes… I know who left the trash… and yes… we’ll be talking tomorrow morning… (I thought about dragging your butt out of bed at 4am, but I’m too tired to smack you around right now.) I am not your father… I am not your mother either. I don’t clean after you. So if you must litter, don’t leave your name on it…. …. … stupid…
11) If emptying beer into a toilet because you were busted for underage drinking… DO NOT under any circumstances, lean on the toilet with bare hands as you empty the cans… especially when that toilet that you’re laying all over…. …. is a urinal…. you disgusting pig…. oh yeah… and …. when I ask you if you want to wash your hands after they are covered in urine and beer…. don’t tell me, “No I’m alright…” Because…. well… you’re not.
Mood: Tired. Annoyed. Blah. 
Music: Moby – Southside