Brent Pirolli's

It’s been a busy few days… CedarCreek drained me a lot over the weekend, but I’m getting back to normal.  My classes are kinda getting annoying because I’m actually having trouble on my exams!  Trouble is defined as B’s and C’s vs. A’s… but still, it’s annoying to me since I am a perfectionist.

I’m really excited about working on the network at CedarCreek.  It is such a big project and there is a lot of work to do, but I KNOW I can do it… THAT’S what makes me feel good about it.  I’m going to put in some hours on it this weekend probably.  On the “CRAP!” side of it, Ameritech just informed us that DSL won’t work out there like they thought it would… so we said, “No problem.  We’ll get cable.”  Well, Buckeye Cable services every block up to the 28000 block.  We are 29129.  So we said, “No problem.  We’ll go with another company.”  The other cable company doesn’t service us either.  CRAP!  So we have NO internet for now… and there are NO plans for those companies to expand to us either… THAT SUCKS!  All of our email, website management, and any other use of the web is cut off now.  OUCH.  So Kraig Mackett, the technical genius guy, is calling around looking for prices on sattelite and wireless internet services…  ::sigh::  this sucks.  Guess that’s what we get for building in the middle of nowhere.

Kyle organized all the video archives from 1995-2002 today… We put them in shelves and labeled everything… Our media room is starting to look SWEET!  We have plans for the hammock to hang from the rafters, a couch to get put in, and I’m considering building a bunk for the rafters in the corner… making it a little bed area 12 feet in the air… just … cuz…   heh heh… the goal is for me to be able to LIVE there if I have to.  Heck… I WANT to!

Ok… it’s 6:30pm, I’m gonna go eat breakfast… er… lunch.. dinner…. brunchinner… haha… yeah.  Then it’s off to h2o.  LOVE PEACE AND HAIR GREASE!  I’M OUT!

Mood:  Normal.
Music:   Skillet – How Deep the Father’s Love For Us (GREAT SONG!)

Last night Sarah and I drove out to a field around 1am and watched the stars as I played guitar… It wasn’t a romantic moment… rather a … cherished moment.  Being able to sit out there, listen to the crickets, watch the sky, feel the breeze, and play guitar… and being able to share that with someone who I care about… that’s all that mattered.

I realized that night that I shouldn’t freak about the future.  I’ve always known that, but it’s so hard to actually live that way when you are in the midst of it.  But I know that Sarah and I may not be together forever… I know that things may not go as I hope they do… But in the end, God is still on his throne.  God still wishes the best for the both of us, and it is His will that matters, not ours.  Yeah… so my job isn’t to worry about tomorrow, rather to focus on the present.  How can I spend my time today?  How can I honor God with my choices now?  How can I serve Sarah and protect her purity?  How can I be her best friend and meet her needs before she even has them?  How can I show Christ’s love to her, through my actions?  This is what matters.  This is where God wants me.  God will reveal his plan for my life as time passes, but for now, I will not take these things for granted.

Mood:  Less stressful, still concerned, but backing down…
Music:  See below… it’s pretty applicable… lol…

I Will Not Take These Things For Granted
                -Toad the Wet Sprocket

One part of me just wants to tell you everything
One part just needs the quiet
And if I’m lonely here, I’m lonely here
And on the telephone
You offer reassurance

     I will not take these things for granted

How can I hold the part of me that only you can carry
It needs a strength I haven’t found
But if it’s frightening, I’ll bear the cold
And on the telephone
You offer warm asylum

     I’m listening 
     Flowers in the garden 
     Laughter in the hall 
     Children in the park 
     I will not take these things for granted
Anymore

To crawl inside the wire and feel something near me
To feel this accepting
That it is lonely here, but not alone
And on the telephone
You offer visions dancing

     I’m listening 
     Music in the bedroom 
     Laughter in the hall 
     Dive into the ocean 
     Singing by the fire 
     Running through the forest 
     And standing in the wind 
     In rolling canyons

I will not take these things for granted

Figuring out God’s will isn’t easy…  Taking steps of faith without knowing that will for certain is even harder…  Jumping off of cliffs into nothingness is… well… read on.

Have you ever stood on a cliff (figuratively) and known that the only way down was to jump…. but if you jumped, you couldn’t see the ground because the fog covered the path you had to travel… So it was a blind jump.  What is at the bottom?  What will you be screaming towards on this mile high fall?  Foam?  Water?  Pavement?  You don’t know.  But you DO KNOW, that you MUST jump.  You can’t stay here any longer… because here… here sucks.

Yeah… it is scary not knowing what God has in store for you when you take that leap… but what really sucks is when you feel God has led you to the top of this cliff for a reason… and when you get there, the light stops leading you, and you just stand there wondering “what next?”  Then the fear sets in.  You realize that since your focus has left the leading of God, you start to look around at where you are… You see the cliff’s steep edge.  You see the dark sky above and the narrow path you’ve walked to this point.  You can’t see the ground over the edge.  You see that your path has ended at this cliff and there is nowhere left to turn.  You know you’re stuck here and so you think, “What if I just go back the way I came?” and when you think that, you turn around to find that a thick fog has engulfed that path so much so that EVEN if you DID try to walk it… you’d lose the path and fall anyway.  So what now God?  What now?  “WHAT NOW GOD???” you scream… but He doesn’t answer…. why?  I don’t know… maybe this is a test of faith.  Maybe if God told you what to do… it’s just too simple.

It’s funny how we always look for the way that seems safest to us.  “I don’t want to jump!” you say… I think back to when Jesus was on his hands and knees crying to his Father in heaven… “My Father, if it is possible, take this cup from me.  But your will be done, not mine.”  Jesus didn’t want to jump.  But Jesus knew that if he DIDN’T jump, then he wasn’t acting in accordance to God’s will.  Jesus was crucified.  A broken body… Bleeding side… Nail shaped scars… proof that Jesus jumped.  Do you think it was easy for God to watch his son take on the sins of the world and be crucified?  Do you think God rejoiced at that moment?  God doubled over in anguish as this happened… but God knew it had to be done.

But the story doesn’t end there.  Jesus came back just as the Bible had foretold…  Jesus jumped, and the world was saved.  Jesus took his step of faith and because of that, we have hope.  Jesus followed God’s leading all his life EVEN when he knew the leap he’d eventually have to take.  So Jesus didn’t want to jump… but he did.

Now back to you.  You’re standing on this cliff with no other options… and you remember that you don’t want to jump, but neither did Jesus… You start yelling at God for not showing you where to go now… But God’s thinking… “I’ve led you here safely.  I’ve clouded the path backwards.  I’ve shown you the jump to take.  What haven’t I done for you?”

Is it really that we don’t know where God wants us to go?  Or is it that we are too scared to jump and demand another option?  Faith isn’t just following God’s calling, rather trusting in God’s provision even when you CAN’T see it at work in your life.  I think in the end, the important question isn’t “Where do I go?” “Should I jump?” or “What is at the bottom?” rather… “When I DO jump, do I trust that God will catch me?”

Mood:  Scared… but trusting God.
Music:  P.O.D. – Thinking About Forever

Leap of Faith?

Standing on the brink of eternity,

I glance down over the edge.

Not quite knowing,

For it’s not showing,

What’s there when I jump from this ledge.

So I step to the last possible inch,

Pebbles slide over as I creep.

Nothing here is new.

Fog engulfs my view.

Stopping me from knowing how deep.

Clouds roll together overhead.

Violent gray masses with shades of black.

Trees rustle their leaves,

Confusion the night air weaves,

As the cold wind presses against my back.

Pushing me forward, urging me to jump…

I never knew how cold a tear can feel.

Until this night air,

Conjured this despair,

I never knew a pain stinging so real.

My world has been pulled and violently turned,

Uprooted where the fires of love once burned.

Youth has slipped away,

And death has come to stay,

In the land where my will to live once yearned.

So here I stand staring into the sky,

A broken man, with nothing left I cry.

Stars sparkle their light,

The moon upholds the night,

And I fear I’ve lost the will to try.

Suddenly the wind stops blowing in my ear.

Peace implores of me, “What have you left to fear?”

My gaze drops down,

I’m forced to frown,

Upon these wrinkled hands burdened each year.

All works have been so futile to my name,

Choked by the ashes of that which once fueled my flame.

Soon I’m gone.

A worthless pawn.

Whose king has been captured, ending this game.

Thunder rumbles as the sea crashes down it’s rage,

A violent entity which none can cage.

My soul swims, but I frown,

Slowly I sit and watch him drown…

Payment in full for my sinful wage.

I evaluate my situation,

And look once more in anticipation.

On a cliff so high,

Jumping, knowing not why,

But that in life, I can’t change the station.

My vision is of night; natures eye patch,

All hope of light gone; I’ve burned my last match.

Tumbling towards rocks below,

How far, fast; I don’t know…

Once more, I’m finding out… if God will catch…

                                                Brent Pirolli
                                                 11/4/99

So the first night of CedarCreek’s BIG PUSH went off without a hitch… wait.. NO IT DIDN’T!!!  We couldn’t have PLANNED a more stressful night for the multimedia crew.  Last night the cameras and equipment were looking pretty good and calibrated… today it looked like someone gave us a totally new set of equipment and said, “heh heh… have fun…”  We did.  We messed with our cameras until about 45 minutes before the service, at which point we said, “screw it… one’s broken, replace them both with new ones.”  So the dealer came out and swapped both of them.  Good, right?  No.  Now, although the cameras look the same, they both look like crap.  Very fuzzy picture and some nasty quality issues.  ::sigh::  So we toughed it out for the night and then re-wired the whole system afterwards so it won’t suck so much for tomorrow’s two services… in theory.

On the PLUS side, I got to see Sarah tonight!  yay!  I have been so stinking busy for the past few days that I’ve maybe seen her for 2 hours combined in the past 3 days… none of which has been quality “us” time… it’s always been when she’s working or when I’m busy doing stuff…  So tonight was cool.  We got to eat dinner (Wendy’s) together and then went to the H2O party.

The party was thrown by two H2O apartments that are across from each other… and I talked to about 4 of the 12 people that wandered in with beer in their hands… lol… Here’s a bunch of christians having a party and about 12 underage drinkers wander into the middle of it… it was cool though, we talked and made em feel welcome…. they ate food… haha… One guy had on some really bad plaid jacket from Goodwill and I couldn’t help but think of Luke… (old school dude… old school) and when he ran for Homecoming King dressed in the worst 70’s suit he could find.  He lost by like, 1 vote too. HAHAHA… good times.  There were 5 or so guys and girls in tuxedos and dresses… then Luke and his garb… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. marchin to the beat of a different… I would say drum, but it’s more like he jumped the drummer and took his outfit for kicks!

Speaking of being jumped.  I got in the elevator tonight after getting home, and there was this guy getting in (who lives here) with his girlfriend (who also lives here), carrying a delivery bag from a local pizza chain.  I asked why he had it and he said that he found it over on N. Church St. on his way home.  He was waiting for his food from them anyway and so he called them to see what was up.  When he called the pizza place they said that their delivery guy got jumped… … … … … HAHAHAHAHA… I mean, it’s sad and not funny that he got jumped and all, but… think of the irony… This guy found his own food which he ordered lying on the ground cuz the delivery guy ran off after being jumped…  wow… THAT… is impressive.

Ok, it’s past midnight and I have to spend some time with the big “G” and then sleep… for tomorrow is another FUN day at stress…. I mean work…

Mood:  Tired but less stress than yesterday…
Music:  Linkin Park – My December

Well, I’m half way through the gauntlet.  It’s now 2am on Saturday morning and in just under 12 hours, CedarCreek starts our biggest advertising push yet.  At 2pm 92.5 Kiss FM starts a live remote broadcast from CedarCreek’s parking lot until 5pm, we’ve been all over the news channels, papers, billboards, and radio stations… God PLEASE send us so many people that need to know you… USE OUR CRAPPY TALENTS to do AMAZING things when you strengthen us.

Anyway, the half way through the gauntlet thing is cuz Thursday I spent 8 hours moving our old offices and equipment to our new building and media room.  Friday I spent 10.5 hours setting up the rest of the media room and getting our Video Editor Online and kickin.  (Not to mention the 65,000 bucks worth of scalers, switchers, cameras, monitors, and Character Generator stuff we hooked up for this weekend’s services.)  So the GOOD news is, that’s done.  The BAD news is, we still have SO much to do in that building…  I have to network all the computers still….   Don’t get me wrong, I’ll love it when it’s done, but dang… that’s a lot of work… AND MOST IMPORTANTLY… we have to hang the hammock in our media room from the rafters… but don’t you worry bout that…

I REALLY hope all our labor is worth it this weekend… Ya know… if ONE person comes to know the joy that Christ has brought into my life through all this work… all these sleepless hours of labor and sweat.. it is SO worth it.  So … here we go.  I’ll let ya all (like anyone reads this… HAHAHAHAHA) know how it goes next week.  Be praying cuz we’re nerds and we suck pretty hardcore…

Mood:  Tired. 
Music:   Lifehouse – Spin

It was the best of times… It was the worst of times… [9/24/02 3:52 PM]

Best of times:

So, on Sunday night Sarah and I went out to a nearby field and watched the sky…  That was awesome.  It really felt like we finally were getting to figure this whole dating thing out… We watched the stars and talked about philisophical stuff… like.. does God laugh at my jokes since no one down here does?  Does God sweat?  I’d think so after creating everything… that’s gotta be tiring!  And if so, what does God use for deoderant?  Maybe none… maybe God just lives it up in the God stank he emits from the pits and it is SO AWESOME a smell that we can’t stand it… that’d explain why everyone hits the ground the instant they are in the presence of God… it’s the smell!!! 

So we talked about stuff like that… it wasn’t all stupid… I promise.  Then we raided Meijers at 1:30AM.  Have you ever seen Sarah slap-happy?  I have.  HAHA… she rocks.  After evaluating the square footage of paper-towel per roll to the dollar… … … er… something.. we left and came back for a half night’s sleep before classes in the morning.  That night was so cool.  I think our relationship is finally starting to take shape and the awkwardness is slipping away…  It’s funny how you can be in relationships before and still have to re-learn it all like it’s completely new to you… anyway, Sarah rocks and I can’t stop thanking God for how awesome He has been in my life.

Worst of times:

I know that whining is overrated so here it goes, short and simple.  BGNet keeps kicking me offline and I have no internet half of the time, I have 65,000 dollars worth of video equipment to set up and learn how to opperate in 1 day, I have to input 6 songs worth of lyrics line-by-line into a machine and still make 3-4 hours worth of slides that same day cuz Becky is out of town.  The day before that I have to finsih the videos for that weekend, tear down my office, and move it all to the new building…  then set it up and have it working for the next day!  People want their internet hooked up at the new building, but we don’t have wires run to half of the cubicles nor any classrooms, a few offices, and MY room!  We need to build a server.  AND the office is passing around a virus now so I have to fight that off!  Oh yeah, and there is some rumor about our website sending spam mail out to others… great… i’ll look into that in my SPARE TIME…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. ok ok… enough jokes… I’m not allowed to have fun this weekend… THIS WEEKEND IS THE BIG PUSH!!! 
Mood: Stressed outside, but laughing and happy inside…
Music: Shaded Red – Use Me

Remembering my strength… [9/16/02 1:49 PM]

It’s amazing how quickly we can slip into apathy… How easy it is to forget why we do what we do.  Last night I spent a good hour or two in thought and prayer talking to God about my life.  I’ve realized that over the past two weeks alone, despite doing devotions and keeping in contact with God, I’ve forgotten how REAL God is.  I’ve been so thankful, so happy, and so content with the blessings He has bestowed on me, but I’ve lost the connection that I once had… that I’ve seldom had… The feeling that God is RIGHT THERE… and all I need to do is turn around and face Him.  That when I am so weak… He is my strength.

There is an overwhelming desire that I love to have.  “My heart and flesh CRY OUT… For You the LIVING GOD.  Your spirit is water to my soul.  I’ve tasted and I’ve seen, come once again to me… I will draw near to You… I WILL draw near to You.”  The passion that keeps me moving, the very breath in my lungs… lays in these lyrics.  The reason that I attend school… The reason that I work for CedarCreek… The reason that I am dating Sarah… The reason that I AM who I AM… is because I am taking the steps that I need to take so that I can be the most effective Christian I can be for the benefit of God’s kingdom.

It never used to be this way… But God has shown Himself to me in so many areas of my life, that unless I devote my very being to this reasoning… I have no justification for existing.

What kills me, is that I see people every day, that DON’T have this relationship with God that I do… They HAVE NO CLUE what they are missing.  They have to fight this world alone, head-on, with no assurance from anyone but themselves.  How scary that must be…  I’m an extremely independent person and I don’t use religion as a crutch, as some accuse Christians of doing, but to think that we can make it on our own in this life is just foolish.  The pain that I feel for those I see who are outside of this relationship KILLS me… I HATE IT!  I never used to be this way either, but I asked God to show me His view… I asked for His eyes for the lost… the seeking… and when I get those glimpses of what God feels for them… the love and desire He has to know them, but they’re deaf to His calling… When THAT pain hits me, it knocks me to the floor in mourning and there is no doubt in my mind that I STILL don’t fully understand the grief as God feels it.

How the very things You’ve created have turned their backs and ran from You God…   I’ll never understand.  But You gave us free-will to decide to love You or not.  For You did not want an army of robots worshipping You, rather open-hearts of loving and grateful souls pouring out their praises to You.  “…at his tabernacle I will offer sacrifices with SHOUTS of JOY…” (Psalm 27:6)  Yeah… I know this feeling.  I want to LIVE this feeling every moment of my life Lord… THIS is my strength… THIS…. THIS is life!
Mood: … reconnected… i think that’s a mood… lol
Music: You Are My Portion – Darrell Evans

Wishin I had more to say… [9/09/02 2:02 PM]

Well, It’s been a week since my last posting so I figured I’d say something!  Nothing extraordinarilly interesting has gone down.  CedarCreek put me in charge of setting up the network in our new building… that is funny to me.  It just seems odd to say, “Hey, network our 6 million dollar building!” to a 20 year old dude like me… I’m lookin forward to it all, and I know the guys I’ve recruited and I can do it… but responsibility is always exciting and fun.

Emily Myers gave me a song by Flaming Lips called, “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots pt.1”  …. from the band with such hits as, “She don’t use jelly”… and ….. well, that’s it.  They’ve made 11 albums in two decades and had one hit.  sad… But anywho, this song rocks.  Check it out sometime!

BG had Campus Fest last week… I heard Oval Opus play, sweet sweet band.  I’m severely impressed.  I bought both their CD’s and love em.  I can’t stop listening to the song “Whisper” off of their CD Oxygen.  Great accoustic guitar ballad.  In fact, it’s been on repeat now for the past hour and I can’t stop singin it!

Classes are fine, no huge problems.  RA duty is fine, no huge problems.  Co-op (CedarCreek) is fine, no huge problems (other than networking stuff as described above).  My relationship with Sarah is getting better.  She’s sick right now so I have to take care of her… heh heh heh… I think she caught a cold from me… some boyfriend I am… It was kinda rough starting off because the whole situation was so awkward… Normally when two people start dating, they haven’t known each other for a long time and the “spark” is all there still… it’s new and exciting to be with them.  Sarah and I have known each other for almost 8 months before getting into a relationship… and don’t get me wrong, it’s very exciting, but it’s not all “new” and “sparkly” if you will.  Instead, we got to know each other, and realized how awesome each other’s character was… and how well we got along… and we both said that it’s funny because we couldn’t have hand-picked a better person to date, but it’s strange because our relationship is NOT based on emotions… it’s based on logic, reason, and a constant pursuit to push each other to grow closer to Christ as we show each other God’s love through us.  That being the case, the emotions are still developing.  We kinda felt left out to dry by God at first… It seemed he put us together so strongly, then just sat back as we stumbled around in awkwardness… “So umm…. what now?”  But after much prayer, and discussion, and asking God to either develop our emotions or show us clear signs of where he wants us… I think he is finally starting to work… and THAT… is exciting.  We want God to paint this picture so badly and neither of us want to interfere and screw it up with selfish desires or fears… So we sit back and pray… and watch God work.  I love that.  I absolutely LOVE that.  God is so cool to us.  I can’t wait for the day to come when Sarah and I can look back and realize how “head-over-heels” in love we’ll feel….  after God has blessed our decision to be together and provided the emotions that develop with that.  AND, worse case scenario, that doesn’t happen… God makes us realize that we’re to be elsewhere, and we break up… but in the end, we’ve honored each other and God with our actions and are great friends still.  If we do this right… we can’t lose.  God is so cool.

It’s also fun because the relationship is so open to outside guidance…. Her parents rule, she has friends back home that have to “approve” me… lol… and I have guidance from people at CedarCreek… It just keeps us in check and makes sure we’re in perspective with what this relationship is focused on…. God.  It’s not just about “us”.

So, I’m really pretty psyched about all that.  I’m excited to see where God leads us and whether or not it will be where I hope it will be.  Only time will tell. 
Mood: …. …… ummm……  happy!
Music: Oval Opus – Whisper

UP AND RUNNING! [9/02/02 8:17 PM]

Wow… what a crazy past few weeks this has been…  CedarCreek moved into their new building, BGSU started our school year back up, and I’m an RA in Offenhauer…  AND on top of all that, the longest 6 month waiting period of my life is finally over!  Sarah Kuntz and I are FINALLY officially dating!!! YAY!  She is such an awesome girl and I totally don’t deserve to be with her… I tell her that.. But I don’t think she understands how serious I am… Ah well… Ironically enough, it reminds me of something else I was thinking lately.  God is an amazing God… and He’s done HUGE works in my life and in the lives of people all around me lately.  I was reflecting back on some things I wrote when my Grandpa died this summer… and I can’t believe how cool God is… God worked through my grandpa till his last breath…  and I can’t begin to express my grattitude for being able to serve a God that not only shows himself to us through other people around us, but also desires, yearns, and longs to have an intimate relationship with ME!!!  DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS???  God wants to know me… the God that spoke the universe into existance… The God that has existed for all time… that knows all… that is all powerful… wants to know me… I totally don’t deserve that… But THAT love… that unconditional love is what drives me on every day.  God rocks.  He loves us so much and we can never fully realize that no matter how hard we try.  We are so undeserving…. we are so unworthy… but we are so loved… so accepted… and so desired after… God truly is amazing.
Mood: at peace
Music: Dashboard Confessional – For You To Notice

OK… So I finally caved and made a web journal.

I’ll probably import my subprofile journal from AIM into this to give me some content and stuff later… ok… peace out.